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skulldaughterYesterday after a very nice time spent with my girlfriend, I just sort of...crashed. I can distract from it for a while by gaming, even listening to Wind and Truth. But I just felt all the wind leave my sails as the date came to a close. Sometimes I'm just like this, I guess. Not even really sad, so much as...empty. At least at first. Afterward comes the roiling, gnashing, skin-crawling feeling. Deep on the inside, under everything. It doesn't hurt, I don't feel an emotion from it. Just a bubbling chaotic writhe, smothered by malaise. It coils away in my ribs, a tornado that pulls and pulls but can't break free of my bones and musculature. It fills my mind with that howling wind, numbing my thoughts.
At work tonight I was able to push through it, to stay focused, even without my audiobook. But the audiobook can help, unless my brain rejects it, which can happen. Sometimes I can't listen to anything. Sometimes I can't do anything. I just sit and stare and exist. I wish I could like, zone out or something. And I guess I do, with regard to the rest of the world. But I wish I could zone out of my own head.
Wincing, I pull my brain away from its fascination like I'm looking into the sun. It pulls me. I know I need to talk to a therapist. I get it. But the very issues I'm struggling with make finding one hard. Not to mention the way I overanalyze myself and others. Again I wish I could leave my own head. But I'm stuck here, I guess.
Hopefully sleep helps. Sometimes it does, sometimes not. Also my meals today were bad! That's gotta be part of it, I ordered chicken wings from Popeyes for the first and last time. Ugh. I do literally feel a little bit gross thinking back to those. That probably is an active debuff hiding behind my more obvious brain problems. Good food is so important. It's one of the most beautiful things that exists. When you have bad food, you have a bad day.
I do wish I had more to post here besides my biweekly mental collapses. I used to do these things called podcasts, you see...unfortunately I struggle even to do one podcast much less the legions I want to do, much less the handful I started. Anyway. Bed time. I don't always post these so if you are reading this one, thank you. I appreciate it. I don't expect anyone to. It would be nice! I do like feeling like my input is desired. It's not a very common feeling for me, though. Regardless of whatever may or may not be true outside of my head.
At work tonight I was able to push through it, to stay focused, even without my audiobook. But the audiobook can help, unless my brain rejects it, which can happen. Sometimes I can't listen to anything. Sometimes I can't do anything. I just sit and stare and exist. I wish I could like, zone out or something. And I guess I do, with regard to the rest of the world. But I wish I could zone out of my own head.
Wincing, I pull my brain away from its fascination like I'm looking into the sun. It pulls me. I know I need to talk to a therapist. I get it. But the very issues I'm struggling with make finding one hard. Not to mention the way I overanalyze myself and others. Again I wish I could leave my own head. But I'm stuck here, I guess.
Hopefully sleep helps. Sometimes it does, sometimes not. Also my meals today were bad! That's gotta be part of it, I ordered chicken wings from Popeyes for the first and last time. Ugh. I do literally feel a little bit gross thinking back to those. That probably is an active debuff hiding behind my more obvious brain problems. Good food is so important. It's one of the most beautiful things that exists. When you have bad food, you have a bad day.
I do wish I had more to post here besides my biweekly mental collapses. I used to do these things called podcasts, you see...unfortunately I struggle even to do one podcast much less the legions I want to do, much less the handful I started. Anyway. Bed time. I don't always post these so if you are reading this one, thank you. I appreciate it. I don't expect anyone to. It would be nice! I do like feeling like my input is desired. It's not a very common feeling for me, though. Regardless of whatever may or may not be true outside of my head.
