A Torrent of Consciousness

Yesterday after a very nice time spent with my girlfriend, I just sort of...crashed. I can distract from it for a while by gaming, even listening to Wind and Truth. But I just felt all the wind leave my sails as the date came to a close. Sometimes I'm just like this, I guess. Not even really sad, so much as...empty. At least at first. Afterward comes the roiling, gnashing, skin-crawling feeling. Deep on the inside, under everything. It doesn't hurt, I don't feel an emotion from it. Just a bubbling chaotic writhe, smothered by malaise. It coils away in my ribs, a tornado that pulls and pulls but can't break free of my bones and musculature. It fills my mind with that howling wind, numbing my thoughts.

At work tonight I was able to push through it, to stay focused, even without my audiobook. But the audiobook can help, unless my brain rejects it, which can happen. Sometimes I can't listen to anything. Sometimes I can't do anything. I just sit and stare and exist. I wish I could like, zone out or something. And I guess I do, with regard to the rest of the world. But I wish I could zone out of my own head.

Wincing, I pull my brain away from its fascination like I'm looking into the sun. It pulls me. I know I need to talk to a therapist. I get it. But the very issues I'm struggling with make finding one hard. Not to mention the way I overanalyze myself and others. Again I wish I could leave my own head. But I'm stuck here, I guess.

Hopefully sleep helps. Sometimes it does, sometimes not. Also my meals today were bad! That's gotta be part of it, I ordered chicken wings from Popeyes for the first and last time. Ugh. I do literally feel a little bit gross thinking back to those. That probably is an active debuff hiding behind my more obvious brain problems. Good food is so important. It's one of the most beautiful things that exists. When you have bad food, you have a bad day.

I do wish I had more to post here besides my biweekly mental collapses. I used to do these things called podcasts, you see...unfortunately I struggle even to do one podcast much less the legions I want to do, much less the handful I started. Anyway. Bed time. I don't always post these so if you are reading this one, thank you. I appreciate it. I don't expect anyone to. It would be nice! I do like feeling like my input is desired. It's not a very common feeling for me, though. Regardless of whatever may or may not be true outside of my head.

I have been in a profound slump for the last month. Truly it feels like October only just started, and now November is nearly gone. I've felt more or less useless in that time; I haven't done more than the bare minimum of chores, I haven't put any effort into preparing for the podcast Autumn & I said we were starting, and I've dragged my feet about looking for a therapist to boot. The only things I have been able to maintain are:

Teeth. After spending so much money last year fixing my teeth (as much as I could), I have finally tarted pushing myself to keep good habits. I never brushed all that much before two or three years ago, but lately I've been on top of it. What's changed is flossing and a little bit of mouthwash. Its an obnoxious routine, but it adds to my other evening routines such that I do end up remembering my HRT because of my teeth, and vice versa. It almost doesn't even hurt anymore at this point, though I do still quite dislike the feeling of touching my gums.

Reading. I set myself the goal of finishing all the books I got for my birthday in July before my next one rolls around. Unfortunately I chose the Book of Mormon as my first read, and it isn't exactly known for being easy breezy beautiful. It could get there though! I would not be surprised if I walked away from it with a favorite passage at least. My reasons for reading the thing are multifarious; One of my dearest friends grew up Mormon, and while she no longer practices the faith she still holds a lot of it in her in her own way, and its a pretty impactful part of her life. We have discussed faith and the nature of God many times over the last year, and especially discussed Weird Mormon Things that I never would have had reason to hear about in my own soulless non-denominational protestant church growing up. Secondly, I have discovered in the past year a profound fascination with the Bible and its origin. Finding ways to think about those texts as things written by people in a time and place for a specific purpose has instilled in me a respect and an emotional attachment to them that I never had growing up in a church. This has extended to the Book of Mormon, as I am endlessly curious about its composition and the people (and other things, if you believe the stories) that brought it about. So, I'm reading it. It's slow going, but sometimes it hits.

Necessary maintenance. I haven't been late to work, I haven't missed bills (much), and I generally haven't allowed my mental inaction to negatively impact my livelihood or my household. This feels like such a nothing accomplishment, but I admit that it's more than I could manage a decade ago. Maybe another decade from now when I'm 41 I'll have my life more together. Harrowing thought.

As November closes out, I am left to anticipate December. I have a trip upcoming, along with a Dinner with my in-laws. After that there's a particular church service I may try to get to that I believe might be held at the beach. Then the usual work, Christmas, etc. Autumn and I will watch Star Wars on Christmas Day as we always do. I suppose we ought to start planning our Export Audio Holiday Special, too. Maybe we'll have Grace on this year. It would fit.

Oh, I suppose we have Thanksgiving at some point. But I don't really care about that one outside of the fact that Autumn will roast a chicken for it. Or a turkey. Whatever.

I'd really like to feel more capable of doing things. Any things. Just things. Everything is so hard, though.