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skulldaughterTonight I am coming back up from a particularly persistent bout of melancholy. Nothing really caused it, I suppose. Maybe it was having to end my lovely date with my girlfriend to go to work until midnight. Maybe it's the workload I've given myself for the month. I have to play Too Human for a podcast, Neverwinter Nights for another podcast, and read Foundation and Empire for a third podcast. On top of anything else I want to do, such as read Yumi & the Nightmare Painter and Warbreaker to finish off the Cosmere finally. So many things to do in 31 days. Granted, the Foundation book I have to read by this weekend, not the end of the month like the others.
I'm also still struggling with...well I suppose you can say faith. I don't know. That's the main problem actually; not knowing. Not not knowing whether or not God exists. I've never been able to consider an alternative, even at my most distant from religion, to the existence of God. I hadn't realized it until lately, but that belief has stuck in me, somewhere. My issue with my ongoing exploration of faith is more that I don't really know what I want out of it.
I was thinking back on that Moonshine Mass from last month. It was touching, really touching. I felt overwhelmed, both by my shyness and by the vibes. Singing is something I'm intensely uncomfortable doing, particularly with others around. That really did a number on my ability to participate in the Moonshine Mass itself, as I felt incapable of raising my voice even a little bit. I was gripped by a visceral fear because I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to sing, I wanted to pray. But I couldn't. It feels so vulnerable to explore faith, to talk about it. It chafes at my heart. Every instinct is telling me to clam up, to adopt a detached demeanor so that I can keep distance from it all.
I should talk to a therapist about this. Or a priest. I've been recommended both.
Hey should I make an alt on bsky? I kinda want to even though they aren't doing locked accounts right now. But you know how much I love making new names for myself.
I'm also still struggling with...well I suppose you can say faith. I don't know. That's the main problem actually; not knowing. Not not knowing whether or not God exists. I've never been able to consider an alternative, even at my most distant from religion, to the existence of God. I hadn't realized it until lately, but that belief has stuck in me, somewhere. My issue with my ongoing exploration of faith is more that I don't really know what I want out of it.
I was thinking back on that Moonshine Mass from last month. It was touching, really touching. I felt overwhelmed, both by my shyness and by the vibes. Singing is something I'm intensely uncomfortable doing, particularly with others around. That really did a number on my ability to participate in the Moonshine Mass itself, as I felt incapable of raising my voice even a little bit. I was gripped by a visceral fear because I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to sing, I wanted to pray. But I couldn't. It feels so vulnerable to explore faith, to talk about it. It chafes at my heart. Every instinct is telling me to clam up, to adopt a detached demeanor so that I can keep distance from it all.
I should talk to a therapist about this. Or a priest. I've been recommended both.
Hey should I make an alt on bsky? I kinda want to even though they aren't doing locked accounts right now. But you know how much I love making new names for myself.
